.

I am seriously freaking out right now.
I'm not sure what started it, but out of nowhere, I decide that I really don't like the way my future looks with the way things are going. Now, this has nothing to do with Richie, we're cool. This is about me, and what I'm going to do for a living. I don't know why, but I've REALLY been slacking off when it comes to coursework and I just can't bring myself to do much of the work. I'd rather just waste my time on the Internet. Maybe I feel guilty for leaving Richie behind, because I've made it so that I'm basically miserable at all times unless I'm talking to him. When I'm on the phone with him, I'm the happiest I could ever be. But the rest of the time I'm wasting my life on the Internet. Even when I should be in class, I'm either at my computer or sleeping. This is a very self-destructive and unhealthy pattern that I've fallen into, and I want to break it, but it's hard. I've been trying to break it for the past month, but it's getting worse. I thought that maybe it's because I'm not pursuing my dreams of becoming an actress. I mean, I'm here to study freaking JOURNALISM. I figure I can get on TV and then break into acting from there. But it's not a direct path. I don't like it. I don't like this coursework. I don't like that I have no money. I don't like that I'm in debt and I don't know if I'll be able to handle paying it off when I'm done with school. I don't like that I don't have very many friends here. I don't like that I don't play music anymore. I don't like that I don't get out much at all, because I always find some excuse to just stay in my room, at my computer. I avoid human interaction. I want it, I crave it, I wish for it, I long for it, but I can't really bring myself to do it because even if I'm doing absolutely NOTHING AT ALL online, I'd rather stay there than go out and talk to somebody. Or go outside, even. I don't really do that anymore, mostly just to eat when Hayden's closed. I would say that I leave to go to class, but that's a rare occurrence now. I went to ONE class this week. ONE class, out of the TEN classes I was supposed to attend. I'm spiralling downward and it's hard to stop. I thought maybe it's because I'm in the wrong major. So I looked into getting a transfer, but you know what? All the schools to which I would like to transfer won't take me due to the low GPA I'll have this semester, because I haven't been doing my work, because I've been spending time online, because I don't care about my classes, because they're not what I want to study and they won't get me where I REALLY want to go in life and I'd rather study a major that WILL get me where I want to go, but I would have to transfer to a different school... It's a vicious cycle. I'll do my best attempt to change my current situation and do all in my power to break the cycle, but I'm not sure if I'm strong enough. I wish I could talk to my boyfriend right now, but I'm sure he's asleep or something, and I don't want to screw up his health just because I'm having a little breakdown. Besides, he's got his own problems to deal with. And that's another one of my flaws: I never want to inconvenience people, even if it's a matter of my own safety. Because everyone else is more important than I am. I was even like this when I was the straight-A, first chair flute player that everyone had to listen to. So what's it like now that I am in this lowest of all places? I know that it could be MUCH worse, but instead of trying to change things... I feel that I would just let it hit rock bottom...

Also, I would've called the Wellness Exchange (they have a 24 hour hotline for this kind of stuff), but I'm the kind of person who NEVER likes to ask for help. That's something I need to work on.

If you're cool, you'll watch this.

Andrew...♥

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